Wort
by Vtos 'Kasam
Summary: This is the story of two mischevious Elites stuck in a boring job in the middle of nowhere. Who knows what could happen? CHAPTER 4 UPDATED! :D
1. Souviniers

**Wort**

**Warning:** The following story is rated T for some coarse language and may not be suitable to young children. Viewer discretion is advised.

The sun rises in the horizon and the silhouette of an Elite appears walking in the distance. He continuously stares at the ground, as if scanning it. He spots a shiny object, picks it up, and places it in his rucksack he has slung over his back. He continues searching.

This is the story of two Elite brothers named Lyti and Ferc 'Mantakar. They are Sangheili minors that are part of a squad that guards Covenant controlled Earth colonies until they are glassed. Since their job is so boring, they often get into hijinks which lead them into to trouble.

And now, their story begins…

**Chapter 1: Souvenirs**

Lyti returns to base and opens the door to his and Ferc's private quarters. It was private due to them playing pranks on the rest of the squad during their sleep in the regular barracks. "Hey Ferc," Lyti said. "I am back, and I have brought some stuff with me too." Ferc looks up from the comic book he is reading, stands up, then walks over to Lyti's bag of things. He reaches his hand into the bag and pulls out a black rectangle box with two dials, a meter, and area of small holes. "What is this?" Ferc asked. "I believe that is what the humans call a "radio". You receive electromagnetic waves called radio waves which contain media including music, news, or even talk shows." Ferc turns the dial slightly to the right and with a click, the radio sparks to life.

At first, there was nothing but static, but as he turned the other dial to the left, he heard something. He adjusted it until he could hear it clearly. He heard a male human saying wort constantly but in different tones and pitches. "What is this "wort" that the human is talking about?" he asked. "Oh don't worry, I can fix that." Lyti said. He went back to the bag and pulled out a human translator, but modified for Covenant use. He connected it to the back of the radio and finally they could understand what the human was saying. The human was singing, "Carry on My Wayward Son" along with the band playing in the background. "Hey, this sounds nice, almost like a song." Ferc said. "It _is _a song idiot." Lyti replied. "Oh." Lyti and Ferc continued fiddling with the stuff from the bag and found a bigger black box but instead with a glass screen and buttons below. "What is this?" Ferc asked. "That is called a "TV", in which humans can actually _watch_ media and that if you watch too much you become what the humans call a "couch potato". The media streams through this black tube that connects to the back. Now where does the other end go?" Lyti and Ferc searched until they found the correct outlet from the wall and connect the tube to it. Once Lyti connected another translator to the TV, they were watching human TV shows in no time.

After about a few hours, the squad leader knocked on the door. "Open up!" he demaned. Lyti walked over to the door and opened it, only to be staring face to face with the extremely angry major. "You two were supposed to be on patrol hours ago! What have you been doing?!" he yelled in Lyti's face. "Woah, calm down dog. Are you trying to fizzle with my dizzle yo?" Lyti replied. "What?! What are you saying?!" "Oh, sorry, Ferc and I have just been watching some human television and there is this one guy on this channel called Comedy Central who talks in this weird way so I figured…." "What you figured, is that you and minor Ferc are going to clean the latrines for the rest of the day!" "But.." "NO BUTS!!!" Lyti and Ferc laughed hysterically at what the major had just said. "What is so funny?!" the major asked. "You said butt!" Ferc replied. They continued laughing. The major stormed out of the room, furious. Yeah sure, they still had to clean the bathrooms, but the major forgot, was that Lyti and Ferc are the ultimate pranksters.


	2. Suspension

**Warning:** This story contains some coarse language that may not be suitable to some people. Viewer discretion is advised.

**Chapter 2: Suspension**

It was before the sun had risen when Lyti and Ferc were at the latrines. They had gone to the bathroom's water supply and replaced it with several tons of sticky sauce they had stolen from the cafeteria. They made sure the place was still clean to make it appear that they had done their job. When they were done rigging the water supply, they returned to their quarters and went to bed.

The Major got up just a half an hour later to wake up the rest of the squad. "Wake up everyone it's time to go to the showers, LET'S GO!" he shouted. Everyone got out of their pajamas and went straight to the showers. When they turned the faucets on, they were surprised of what came out.

Sticky sauce spilled all over the place, covering the Sangheili in adhesive syrup in three seconds flat. Some immediately ran over the towel rack to try and get it off, but that only worsened the problem as the towel stuck to their skin! The Major grimaced at what he saw and thought of who could have done this. _What the?! Who is responsible of this?! The last people I remember sending to the latrines were... oh hell no..._

Meanwhile, Lyti and Ferc were in their quarters playing _Castle Crashers _on their scavenged Xbox 360 when the calamity happened. "Shit, I died again. Come one, hurry up and heal me!" Ferc argued "Hold on, let me just finish off the rest these guys first." Lyti replied. "How come your orange knight's fire magic does more damage than my green knight's?" "That is because I have a higher magic skill. You have just been spending all of your experience points on strength." "Hey, what good is fighting if you cannot go into close combat?" Just then, the intercom came on. It was the Major's voice. "Lyti and Ferc 'Mantakr, please report to my office…NOW!!!"

Lyti and Ferc entered the room to see the back of the Major's chair. "Sit down gentlemen." He said. "Do you two know why I asked you to be here?" "No, I don't think so." Ferc replied. The Major violently turned his chair around and slammed his fist down on the table, slightly denting it. "Damn it guys! Why did you guys do that?!" he demanded. "Do what?" Lyti asked. "YOU…." The Major restrained himself from getting too carried away. "You idiots know what you have done?! Now my men cannot even get into their uniforms due to all of the stickiness. I have had to send Unggoy in to clean the mess. Some are so sticky that they have had to use corrosive chemicals just to get the damn stuff off!" "I'm sure those burns could heal in no time" Ferc replied. "No, this time you two have gone too far. You guys leave me no choice but to suspend both of you of your military service until further notice. I have already called a phantom to pick you guys up." "You can't do this! This is so unfair!" Lyti protested. "I am going to give you two ten seconds to get out of my office." The Major said as he rose from his chair. "I find this decision preposterous and arbitrary!" Ferc argued. "One…two..." "Oh shit!" Lyti yelled as they ran out of the room. The Major sat back down in his chair rubbing his mandibles, pondering over what Lyti has just said. _Shit? What is that?_


	3. Urban Sports

**Warning: **This story contains some coarse language that may not be suitable to some people. Viewer discretion is advised.

**Chapter 3: Urban Sports**

(now available in Covenant language!)

(not really just kidding)

Lyti and Ferc entered the Phantom via gravity lift and strapped themselves to the seats inside. The pilot started up the engines and Phantom rose up higher into the air, eventually into the atmosphere and then into space. Their destination was scheduled to be on High Charity. "So," the pilot asked. "what did you guys do to piss off the Major so much?" "We rigged the showers' water supply with sticky sauce" Lyti answered. "The sticky sauce from the cafeteria?" "You know it." Ferc replied. "You know, I once got into big trouble myself back when I was a Spec Ops." "You did, what did you do?" Lyti asked. "Well, since I had nothing else to do, I replaced my squad leader's carbine ammunition with candy I got last time I was at the shop. Got the guy so mad he demoted me to pilot." "Holy shit." Lyti said. "What?" the pilot asked. "Nothing, continue." "Anyways, being a pilot is horrible. Have you ever transported a full squad of Unggoy? That damn methane gets into the cracks." Lyti and Ferc gave each other a worried look. "Well, looks like it's your stop guys. See you later." The pilot opened the side doors to let them out. They climbed out to be standing in front of the massive city of High Charity.

They went to the bank to realize they still had each 7000 Covenant credits (the equivalent of 70 Human dollars). They walked to the large shopping center a few blocks away and browsed around at the various items and clothing they sold there. After ten minutes, they sat at a table in the main plaza, bored out of their minds. "There is nothing to do here." Ferc sighed. Lyti looked around and spotted a department store not too far away. "Wait!" Lyti said. "I remember this one human T.V. show called Urban Sports where this male human in a black hat went around in public and did silly action that would result in a game of some sort. One of the was called Sprinting, where you take the security tag off a piece of clothing to and set the alarm off by walking through the detector. Then a security guard nearby would chase you and you had to lose him by reaching the nearest fast food restaurant. The quicker you lose him, the better you score." "Sure, that seems like an excellent idea, but where are we going to find a department store?" Lyti pointed to the store he had been looking at.

Lyti and Ferc each got a tag off a piece off clothing from the store where they were at. It had a security system and two Brute security guards at the entrance. They both walked out the door and with that the alarms went off. Lyti, Ferc, and the Brutes stared at each other before going into fast chase.

Lyti and Ferc sprinted like there was no tomorrow, dodging obstacles in the process. It wasn't before long that they came across an intersection. "Split up!" Ferc yelled. Lyti took the left, and Ferc took the right. Lyti was at full speed at had great momentum, but then a Grunt with a cart full of food nipples rolled in his path. The Grunt quickly flinched and blocked his face with hands. Lyti then did a front flip, leaving the cart untouched as he continued sprinting. The Brute security guard, however, plowed right into the cart, sending food nipples flying everywhere. The Brute fell head over heels and bumped his head into a wall, knocking him unconscious. "My nipples!" the Grunt screamed.

Meanwhile, Ferc was still sprinting from the Brute that was chasing him. He found a long steep staircase and jumped onto the railing, riding it down like a slide. He safely reached the ground and continued sprinting as the Brute fell over the staircase and was .

Finally, Lyti and Ferc where reunited as their paths came together again which conveniently had the Brute Burger close by. Lyti and Ferc both jumped in the air and high fived each other as their chase concluded. "Awesome" Lyti said. They entered the Brute Burger and each ordered a cheeseburger, fries, and a Covie-Cola.


	4. Rendezvous

**Warning: **This story contains some coarse language that may not be suitable to minors. Viewer discretion is advised.

Ferc and Lyti were sleeping in hotel they had rented out when Ferc's cell phone rang. Ferc awoke and groaned as he reached for the phone and answered it. "Hello?" "Ferc, this is your Major. Your suspension is hereby lifted and you and Lyti are to report back to base ASAP." "Yes sir. Just one question, how did you know my number?" "You idiot, that is my cell phone!" The Major hung up and Ferc closed the cell phone and muttered, "Asshole."

**Chapter 4: Rendezvous**

Ferc walked his way to Lyti's bed and whispered to him, "Come on Lyti, Major said our suspension is over and that we have to get back to base as soon as possible." Lyti continued snoring. Ferc grabbed Lyti by the collar and dragged him to the bathroom where he splashed water in his face. "AH!" Lyti screamed as the water woke him up immediately. "Come on, we have to go back to base." Ferc said. Lyti and Ferc walked back to the place where they were dropped off and within five minutes, a phantom was there to pick them up. Ferc and Lyti hopped in and took their seats. When Lyti looked toward the cockpit to see who was driving, he quickly looked back in horror. "Oh hell no." "What is it?" Ferc asked. "There is a fucking Unggoy piloting this thing" "Shit no!" Ferc quickly turned on his… err I mean the Major's cell phone and called him. "Hello? This is Ferc. Sir, was there supposed to be an Unggoy piloting the phantom to pick us up? I am pretty sure this is a mistake." "No, I made sure that the newest and most inexperienced Unggoy recruit would be your pilot. Have a nice flight…" and with those words, the Major hung up.

Ferc sat there in horror, mandibles wide open showing just how much shock he was in. "Buckle up, Lyti; we are in for one hell of a ride." Lyti acknowledged him and did as he said. "Don't worry Sangheili," the grunt said. "I got this all under contro…..woah!!!" The phantom picked up enormous speed and started barreling towards the large amount of aircraft traffic in front of them. The grunt did a right corkscrew and they ended up upside down! The grunt tried correcting his angle, but instead sent the phantom is a barrel roll. They did seven barrel rolls before the phantom did a large loop around the traffic and went boosting into the atmosphere. They were going so fast Lyti had to cover his mouth, trying his best not to throw up. The grunt finally slowed the phantom to a sane speed and he sighed with relief.

Ferc got up from his chair and walked to the cockpit. "What is with you?! Are you trying to get us killed?! That is it, I am driving." When Ferc tried for the controls, the grunt thumped Ferc on the forehead. "Ow! Did you just thump me?" "Major said if Sangheili try to drive ship, smack him on head." The grunt replied. "Well I do not give a flying fuck what the Major said, I am driving." Ferc tried again but was thumped in the forehead again. "Okay now this is just ridiculo.." _thump _"Stop tha.." _thump _Ferc growled at the grunt before returning to his seat. "Any luck?" Lyti asked. "Bastard's persistent. We are just going to have to lay our lives in the Forerunners' hands." Lyti frowned and sunk his head in his knees.

Seven minutes later, their destination came into view. The grunt made a worrying squeak. Ferc and Lyti looked through the cockpit windows to see the planet come into view. "Mother of Forerunner! He is going to land the damn thing!" Lyti screamed. He immediately grabbed the support bars around as the phantom descended into the atmosphere, Ferc did the same. The reentry felt like being on the world's fastest roller coaster but without the self assuring safety that you won't get hurt. The air inside the phantom got hot, _really _hot. Ferc actually began to see some of the (supposedly) flame resistant paint on the hull start to peel off. Lyti's heartbeat sped up as the velocity increased. When they finally got to see the sky, the grunt slowed down the phantom to such a sudden stop on the ground, the inertia threw Lyti and Ferc against the other wall, breaking their harnesses in the process. "We're here." The grunt said.


End file.
